Where I've been is not where I'm going

Have you ever dropped everything to chase a dream? What about dropping everything again, just to change the direction of that dream. Given up future plans, relationships, bonds, comfort? I did. And apparently I’m addicted to it at this point.

Today marks two years that I’ve been back home in California. I moved to NYC in 2014 after I graduated college to end the long distance aspect of my 1.5 year relationship. I was moving closer to my love, getting the chance to train under Marcelo Garcia, and move out on my own. It was an adventure.

I had a best friend and we were together through everything. The hour-long train commutes between training and home, the cooking and cleaning, the errands, the tough daily training at MGA, the traveling, the seminars and competitions, the wins and losses, the hardships and triumphs. We were together nearly 24/7 and that was great. But my life lacked passion.

One time our landlord made a suggestion towards an engagement by mentioning how past tenants had made that commitment while living in our apartment prior to us. We had looked at each other, shrugged, and said, “do you wanna get married?” As if to communicate that it must be the next logical step in the game of life but we would more or less have been forced to do it by some set standard. Three years of dating? Living together? Have future plans? Cool, you should just make it legally binding.

Engagements and marriages should be spurred by the idea that you can’t possibly live without this person. And while we were inseparable at the time, it was mostly out of comfort. The passion wasn’t there. And it ended.

The original plan was to sell everything and move to California together so we could live rent free with my mom, train with Cobrinha, and save money to open an academy. And within a month of our departure, we called it off. Since we had planned to drive cross country, I had set up a bunch of seminars along the way. So we flew into Ohio, rented a car, and ended in Oklahoma.

We flew home separate ways. Just like that, as if we were just going to be long distance again because I had to go back to my coast, and he his. It never felt like a break up because we remained friends and saw each other often at competitions.

That was Halloween 2016. My mom picked me up from the airport and we stopped at a restaurant to pick up some food. And while waiting for the order I just started bawling. What the fuck had I just done? I left my relationship, my friends, my apartment, my cat, my academy and training partners, and my east coast family. Something told me to start over and so I did. But not first without mourning what I had lost.

It wasn’t taken from me. It wasn’t that it fell apart or it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe I could have stayed and been the girlfriend and the manager and maybe I’d have this partnership, but it wasn’t the passion-filled adventure I wanted. I had been accused of never being satisfied. If that's what I was, if that’s what I am, then so be it. I’ll just never settle.

If you’re wondering if I ever found that passion in the last two years, I did in multiple ways: teaching seminars, traveling the world solo, becoming a public speaker for mental health awareness, building my name in the jiu jitsu community, and a few dating flings. When you find a passionate connection with a person, it’s great until you realize that passion without commitment is a waste of time. So that’s that.

What I really want to highlight is my ability to push forward as a female in a male dominated sport and shine because of my accomplishments and personality. Without the need to connect to a bigger name or have anyone manage my business for me.

During my time in NYC and even prior, I was working as a member of the media in the jiu jitsu community putting my writing/photography skills and lurking abilities to use. But I wanted to be known more for my accomplishments on the mat instead of on the side of it.

Imagine me reporting the result of every female black belt match at Pans and Worlds, hoping to one day be in that exact position? I started jiu jitsu because I wanted to compete and be a champ. My career up to that point wasn’t bad. I was ranked in the top ten of every belt up to brown belt. A taste of gold here and there, at Nogi Worlds, Europeans, and other notable comps, but nothing that put me in the headlines. Instead, I was the one writing those headlines.

So when I moved home I organized a European tour for after the European Championship using my connections and managerial skills I gained while organizing seminars for others. I was a female brown belt and I taught seminars in Wales, Dublin, Paris, Madrid, and Barcelonas

I owe a lot to Julien Cafetao in Paris because he put together a seminar for me in two days. While I was hanging in London I wanted to take the high speed train to Paris. So within the first contact with Julien he agreed to advertise a seminar for me to fund my visit. When I arrived, my hotel was near the academy but also near the Eiffel Tower. I dropped my bags off, walked towards the monument until it began making an appearance peaking around the buildings. That approach is a moment I will always remember for the rest of my life. I was officially an international, one woman team making my mark on the jiu jitsu community by sharing my knowledge to the world. And getting paid for it. As a brown belt. As a female. Julien gathered 25 people for my workshop and I am forever grateful to him for, without realizing, helping me achieve a milestone.

Since then, I have taught seminars in:

California
Nebraska
New Hampshire
Washington DC
Virginia
Tennessee
Florida
New York
New Jersey
Nevada
Missouri
Pennsylvania

and
Costa Rica
Iceland
Spain
Wales
Ireland
France
Hong Kong
Brazil
Colombia
South Korea
Australia
New Zealand
Canada
Denmark

How I did this:
I connect with people. Working for Graciemag made it easy for me to interview the best in the world as well as various academy owners throughout the world. I also spent time working with Budovideos, IBJJF, Vulkan, Koral, FloGrappling, and more.

If you want to go somewhere, accomplish something, just ask. If you ask me how I got seminars, I’ll tell you that I simply reached out through social media and asked.

The easiest way is to ask an existing friend or connection to introduce you with your intentions. And it goes from there.

Also, you need to know your worth. Know what you want to charge, know how to get around by yourself and book all your travel alone. You can’t always rely on people to accommodate you, although most people will when you’re traveling internationally. I’m sure many can attest to that.

I don’t want to make this too much of a how-to article. I just want to share where I came from and where I’ve been.

There’s plenty more to the story. But this date brings up a lot of turmoil for me, both good and bad. I get to see the pain I had to go through to be where I am, constantly moving.

I’m currently making a whole new change to my life, chasing the mma lifestyle. I’ll write more about my transition soon.

Thank you for caring about my life, my career, my message. Thank you for reading my heart and soul and supporting me.